文/莫名

童年熟悉的名字
每次我一叫
她，就露出满口洁白的牙齿
和春天一样的笑容

瞬间缓解了身上的躁热
不久，却悄然消失了
渐渐淡出我的认知

某天，远离了车辆拥挤
还有灯红酒绿
在一处旷野
听到“布谷，布谷”的回音

这，才想起

（中译英）

Grain Rain
/  MoMing

Childhood familiar names
Every time I call she
She showed her white teeth
The same smile as spring
Instantly relieved the irritability and heat on the body
Soon, it disappeared quietly
Gradually fade out of my cognition
One day, away from the traffic jam
There are also lights and wine
In a wilderness
Hear the echo of "cuckoo, cuckoo"
I just remembered

Childhood familiar names --- 这样译生硬了点  

I call she ---- 怎么不是her呢  

后面几行的时态可以再考虑考虑

谢谢指正，想修改撒不回来

莫名 发表于 2022-4-28 19:30
谢谢指正，想修改撒不回来

修改了跟帖在后面？

Grain Rain ／MoMing  That familiar name, in childhood Every time I call her She showed her white teeth Her smile is like spring It instantly relieved my irritability Soon, she disappeared quietly Gradually away from my world One day, I got away from the traffic jam Away from the lights and wine In a wilderness I heard the echo of "cuckoo, cuckoo" In this way, I remember

留言咋就分不了行呢

One day, away from the traffic jam
There are also lights and wine
In a wilderness
Hear the echo of "cuckoo, cuckoo"
I just remembered


其实，您之首感最好，属第一直觉，亦有韵律（蓝色追加 -ing，红色换逗号，改反糟：）


恕愚见义勇为

_李世纯_ 发表于 2022-9-19 08:28
One day, away from the traffic jam
There are also lights and wine
In a wilderness

好就好在情感真实，没真情，没好诗，迪金森为此有诗一首：《 真 亦 美 》  或早在点赞您

才又读了一次，我们满可以用 Childhood familiar names  做主语，改为通篇一句，写首一句诗，品位提升，即精益求精，又练内功，祝心想事成